Grabbing the Shark

31 Jan 2007

Grabbing the shark by the fin... Monterrey bay If Rascal is my middle name then Danger is my first. It's not that I plan adventure - I find it's the adventure that seeks me out. Let me tell you about how I almost got kicked out of the Monterrey Bay aquarium. Let me tell you how I stared death in the face and blew it a kiss and gave it a wink. I woke up on Sunday at 8:30 am to meet with Tony and Betsy who were driving in from Alameda to take Nicole and I down to Monterrey. It was a sunny day in north beach and we decided to get some breakfast. Tony was taking his time so we followed up our food with bloody mary's at O'reilly's our favorite Irish pub. We were going to invite Eric to come with us but he's too poor. Wait, that sounds mean. We were going to invite Eric to come with us but he had to work...yeah - that's sounds good. So we get in the car and Tony informs us that he has a 30 pack of bud light in the back. Usually when people say they have booze I feel l they are specifically talking to me - and I try to oblige them. By the time we get to the gas station San Jose (30 miles away) he has 10 beers left and a bunch of cans. These are the black thunderclouds that hang ominously in the horizon foreshadowing some sinister event. By the time we get to Monterrey we've mostly run out of beer (we'll I've mostly run out of his beer) and we've moved onto black label sparks. When I bought them the lady at the store warned me that they had liquor and a cop would ticket us for drinking them in public. I re-assured her by telling her that we would only drink them on the car ride to the aquarium. Strangely she seemed OK with that. Then we drive and drive and pass sand dunes and the ocean. By the time we get to the aquarium the sparks are gone and my flask is empty. We debate getting margaritas and decide against it - for the good of both our fellow man and the fish. The aquarium is is a sea of silent despair. Stupid sea otters bang there heads on the glass of their holding tanks as I selfishly hold my hot-dog out in front of them. Above the entrance to the cafe where the beer is sold is a huge whale skeleton. That means I'm standing under a huge whale skeleton. I keep wondering what the other fish think when they see it. We thought Abu Gharib was bad. By this point our words are slurred and we're stumbling and pushing past the smaller slower children. We're a wreck of tourists as we stroll around incredibly fresh sushi. The first and near last exhibit we went to was a touching tank. I've been to touching tanks before but usually they involve ecstasy and house music. This was different. Little kids we're getting their pre-pubescent rocks off picking up star fish and petting sea anemone's. No menthol ciggarettes, no back rubs just sea cucumbers and paper towels. The way they had it set up is that there is a touch tank of the fish I just mentioned and then another tank that connects to it via slotted holes in another room. In this other tank there were sharks and sting rays and more sharks. Nothing big, length of my arm at the max. But still - sharks. So I surprised myself by not falling into the tank and reached down and tried to touch a sting ray. Nicole tried to take a picture. Then Tony tried the same - Betsy got the shot. I made a Steve Irwin joke and a little kid teared up. This wouldn't be the last time. Those thunderclouds from earlier - they were starting to rumble. So this shark comes cruising by me and I have this flash back of my grandfather on fishing trips holding up shit he pulled from the sea by the tail and smiled for photos. I make a grab for it. The picture at the top of this post was taken right when I grabbed the shark. It felt like wet leather and power and I grabbed it's tail and yanked. Two things happened. One, time slowed down. I saw a lady in a uniform start to slow motion yell at me, noooooooooo! as she pushed people out of her way to get to me. Two, I grabbed a fucking shark. The realization hit me when it turned on me and tried to bite me. I pulled my hand quickly out of the water and splashed some little kid who was in a stroller. He started to cry too. I turned around to run, someone tried to grab me and I ducked and that dude bumped someone else who dropped their camera into the tank. Things were happening quickly now. Betsy, Tony's girlfriend was bewildered but thankfully Tony had been through this before (see the pickwick hotel episode) he grabbed her and quickly walked out. The person who's camera was in the aquarium was yelling at the guy who tried to grab me for knocking it out of her hand as I was trying to get away. Then the shark who's highly agitated makes a pass at her, tries to bite her. People are in an uproar. Children are crying. Asian tourists are taking pictures. I back out slow and quick just as security starts getting there. I'd love to tell you how we spent the rest of the afternoon looking at the jelly fish, yellow fin tuna and other delectables and while we did those things I also spent time looking over my shoulder for bigger fish - you know...the kind with badges. We spent the remainder of the day eating mexican food, drinking pitchers of margaritas and talking in old tyme voices, see. We drove in inky blackness through Carmel and made it to a target in some sleepy sea-side town before getting gas and heading home. On the way we polished off three cigars, two bottles of wine and the majority of Nicole's sobriety. We finished the night almost as we started it, in the bars of North Beach. Safe and secure home again and bewildered how we got there.