Oh Yes, there will be blood....

Image via Wikipedia

Something happens when you're a bartender in one of the best drinking cities in the known world.
The liver, generally a thing of wonder, solidifies into a hard steel cased machine of bowflex like proportions. Sobriety becomes a four letter word and you end up like a war vet - walking around with four slugs in you at all times.
Normally, the general population takes these things as fact. Then there are those "excitable" type folks that think its in their best interest to challenge people like myself that deal with spirits in a ongoing, day to day basis.
This is never a good idea.

The intention of this article is not to sound snarky or to genuflect at the alter of douche baggery - so to quote Muhammad Ali, "It's not bragging if you can prove it."

Por Hemplo, last night I was challenged to a drink off.
Being a professional we took it Cosmopolitans, the bar across the street from where I work to initiate the challenge.

Here's the thing, in a drink off there are rules and regulations. Its a strictly regimented discipline that requires the utmost personal level of dedication and respect that can be held in a competition such as thus.

That said, my rules to a drink off go something like this:

1. All drinks must be consumed as fast as possible, style points for Panache.
2. No performance enhancing drugs
3. All drinks must be finished in shot form
4. Sobriety tests must be conducted in 15 minute intervals
5. The person being challenged never pays
6. Always bring a condom.
7. Accept the fact that you will die young. Go with it.

I was challenged last night by a drinking crew from Canada. They spent several hours in my bar generally having a great time with a combined total tab of around a grand with tip.
Somehow the women in the group decided it would be a good idea to challenge me.

They started me off with 3 double Zebras. A zebra, is when you do a shot of bourbon or any dark colored liquor followed by a clear liquor followed by a dark liquor followed by a clear liquor - hence zebra.

I did these with a beautiful Chinese woman named Cynthia. I think she lasted through 1 stripe.
I downed my shots, my liver was prepared for Glory,

We moved on to Fernet. Its now around 10:30 at night on a Tuesday. Our hosts have already laid down an additional 600 dollars - we were in deep.

I downed the Fernet like it was going out of style. I am the Rowdy Rowdy Piper to thier Iron Shiek. Like Ozymandius I looked down on the week and insufferable with great disdain and mighty scorn. Shots were poured in front of me. In a great and powerful voice I used my middle initial - I am Logan R. Brouse, I belted out with volumetric thunder - King of kings:Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
This was the booze talking, my inner diatribe being modified by historical outside sources going into hysterics. Not drunk but buzzed I conceded the round.
After that they backed down. Not wishing to embellish I'll go away while the going is good.
We headed to R Bar to celebrate, Fernet flowing freely like the Russian River in a rainy season.
Hail to the Captain and light speed to his glorious stallion, Debauchery!!!
Hip, Hip, Hoorah!